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 Fighting
Fairly
Arguments can happen in the healthiest and happiest of relationships.
We all have differences of opinion and they are normal in any relationship
not just with our partners. Often a good argument can clear the
air and help us to get issues off our chest but the problems occur
when an argument turns hurtful and leaves scars that are difficult
to heal. Words do wound so how can we fight fairly so an argument
doesn’t spell the end of our partnership?
No name calling –
Even if you think your partner is the biggest idiot during an argument
resist the urge to tell him so. Using insults is hardly going to
get your partner to see your point of view and will likely result
in alienating him more. People will remember the names you call
them even when the argument has ended.
Start sentences with “I” –
For example “I Feel like this…” instead of “You
make me feel like this….” Using “I” owns
the feelings and doesn’t make your partner feel attacked.
Using “you” will make your partner feel criticized and
responsible instead of feeling symphony with your emotions.
Don’t say Never and Always –
Because it is usually not true. For example you may want more help
around the house and be fighting about him not doing the dishes
so you say “You never do the dishes” which is will most
likely result in him saying “What about when ….”
This won’t achieve your desired outcome and instead have him
on the defensive.
Don’t say “I hate you” –
or other similar things you don’t mean. Regardless
of how worked up or angry you get don’t say things you don’t
mean, no matter how tempting it is. You can say “I hate it
when you do this/say that …” but don’t say you
hate them. There may be no going back from that.
Remember what you are arguing about –
Bringing up past wrongs or other issues that annoy you will only
escalate the disagreement and lose focus on the issue at hand. This
will often result in issues not being resolved and lead to further
arguments.
Don’t argue about arguing –
It’s easy to lose focus and start arguing about who interrupted
who first, who shouted at whom first or who uttered the first insult
instead of focusing on the issues at hand. What ever bad behaviour
you are indulging in, stop and focus back on the issues.
Stop and listen –
Don’t interrupt if you don’t want to be interrupted,
don’t shout if you don’t want to be shouted at. Try
to put your self in his shoes and think about how he feels. Stop
and listen to what he is saying and it may help you come to a resolve
quicker. If you engage in undesirable behaviours and don’t
stop to listen to him how can you expect him to give you the same
curtesy in return?
Rely on your own opinions –
No matter how tempting it is don’t bring others into your
argument. For example “My friends hate this about you too”
Let your opinions stand on their own. Bringing friends or families
thoughts into an argument with your partner is not only unfair to
him but also to them. It can lead to bigger issues like him feeling
resentful towards your friends.
Don’t lose your temper –
Try to stay calm (as hard as it is). Anger is normal when you are
having an argument but try not to let that anger turn hurtful. If
you feel your anger reaching boiling point try to take some time
out to calm down. Go to another room or a walk down the street until
you calm down.
Say I’m sorry –
You may not be sorry for what you were arguing about but there were
possibly some things you said or did that you regret during or in
the lead up to the argument. Saying “I’m sorry for doing
…..” can help. Don’t be insincere and apologise
for something your not sorry about, but saying sorry for the things
you feel guilty about can help you feel better. It can also help
your partner say sorry for the things he did wrong too. Never say
“I’m sorry but…..” unless you want the argument
to continue.
There are no winners in an argument so don’t try to win,
fight fair, resolve your issues and confront the issues not each
other. Also don’t forget to make up, like they say making
up is the best part of any disagreement.
Kelly: Galafun
Galfun contains some adult content and is suited for adults
over 18 only.
www.galafun.com.au
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